Cadillac: The Mystic Shield of the Three Ducks
Thank you for your interest in celebrating the Mystic Shield of the Three Ducks with us this year at our Annual Ritual Easter Egg Hunt & Sacrifice Picnic.
Please note that all information you are about to receive is strictly confidential.
All mystery traditions are founded on an esoteric amalgam of history, mythology, and magical revelation—and our Order is no exception. There is no guarantee that you will experience a supernatural epiphany during our ritual, but some of the more curious and aware among you just might. Others will merely experience a wholesome and enlightening afternoon of historic picnic amusement and light ceremonial slaughter.
The following Interesting Information will detail some of the historical origins of the Mystic Shield of the Three Ducks, some of the associated myths, and a basic overview of our ritual celebration.
A Brief History
In the late-1400s, nearly a century after the Crusades had drawn to a close, the Duke of Waddlac sought royal sanction from King Richard III, a known hump-back, to
“… once and fore all tyme, purge the Most Holie Land of the foul and most unholie interlopers.”
Despite having been killed in the Battle of Bosworth forty years prior, Richard III authorized the Duke to lead a “Final Crusade” into Jerusalem.
The true motives of the Duke of Waddlac (olde English for “wide lake”) can never be known for certain, but he was of rumored sympathy with the Knights Templar, and on cordial terms with the Borgia Pope Alexander VI—who approved of the Final Crusade so long as Waddlac returned with the lost “Cataclysmic Egg of Catastrophe.”
According to Templar lore, the Cataclysmic Egg of Catastrophe was said to be buried beneath the ruins of Solomon’s Temple, and was considered to be the actual physical incarnation of the Holy Trinity—a somatic manifestation of the three divine substances that together exist as “God”—the outer shell (God the Father); the yolk (God the Son); and the egg white (The Holy Spirit).
The Templars were an esoteric fraternity as well as a military order, and it is unclear whether they saw the Cataclysmic Egg of Catastrophe as metaphor for spiritual enlightenment, or as a divine weapon of unfathomable power. It can be assumed that Pope Alexander presumed the latter.
Aware of the brutally hot Middle Eastern sun, the Duke designed special heat-repelling uniforms for his officers—a large yellow poncho to deflect the sun’s rays, with a wide orange visor to shield their eyes from the intense brightness.
The deadly accuracy of Muslim archers was well known, so for his troops, the Duke designed oval-shaped armor, inspired by the defensive nature of turtle shells. His idea was that during an arrow attack, the soldiers could quickly withdraw their heads & limbs inside the armor until their opponents’ quivers were emptied.
And so with armor painted in the brightly hued patterns of Tudor heraldry, the Duke’s army set out for the Holy Land.
The resemblance of the Duke’s army to marching columns of colorful eggs could be more than coincidental. The Duke may have had the Quest for the Cataclysmic Egg of Catastrophe in mind. Or perhaps even the egg-shaped hump-back of his patron, Richard III —whose fall from a wall during the Battle of Bosworth inspired the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
Despite these careful preparations and symbolic considerations, the Duke of Waddlac’s Crusade was doomed from the start.
When announcing himself as
“The Duke of Waddlac, Avenger of the Most Holie Land, and Knight of His Majestie the King, and of His Holieness the Pope,”
the Duke was confronted by neither fear nor assault, but by peals of laughter from his Muslim opponents.
Perhaps it was the fault of his Arabic translator. Or perhaps his bright yellow poncho with an orange visor could have offered an unintended visual association to a particular species of waterfowl.
Regardless, the word “Duke’ was mis-heard as “duck” and “Waddlac” as “waddle.” Nobody heard the bit about the King, the Pope, or even the stuff about avenging the Holy Land—they were too busy laughing.1
The Duke and his army retreated in dejection and humiliation.
It should also be noted that the Egg-shaped armor worn by the Duke’s soldiers, while potentially useful in certain defensive maneuvers, restricted basic ambulatory movement. The armor was designed to protect
“… hipp, thighe, bone, joynt, and marrow…”
And so the soldiers could not actually bend their legs at the knee. They were forced to pivot from one foot to the other in a series of rotating steps. As a result, what in the Duke’s mind was a dignified, temporary retreat, instead resembled a dozen yellow, orange-billed ducks leading an army of brightly colored waddling eggs into the Jerusalem sunset.
Rather than risk another direct confrontation and further ridicule—and despite his gallant inclinations—the Duke decided to employ guerilla tactics instead. During the night, he deployed his men, stationing them around and throughout the Temple ruins.
At daybreak, the colorful Tudor patterns painted on the English soldiers’ armor could be spotted from a mile away, and despite their best attempts to crouch and hide around the tall dry grass and rubble of the Temple ruins, they were easily found by the Muslim soldiers.
Inside the Temple ruins, the “egg hunt” commenced briskly, and was over in less than half an hour.
No arrows were fired, and no violent altercations occurred. The Duke’s soldiers, tucked into their defensive postures, all cooked inside of their armor in the 120 degree Jerusalem heat—which rose to 260 degrees inside of the armor.
Only one Muslim casualty was recorded—he was crushed by one of the Dukes roasted soldiers who fell from his perch on a wall. The armor shattered on impact. Some consider this event to be another inspiration for the nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty.2
The Duke and his officers were “cast out” of the Temple, and ordered never to return, under penalty of death. Rather than return to England in disgrace—and potentially meet the same fate as the Templars at the hands of an angry Pope—they scattered across Europe, and several sailed for the New World.
Accompanied by two of his former officers, the Duke (now known as the Duck of Waddle-ac), eventually settled in the Great Lakes Region of North America, an area that reminded him of the wide lakes of his native North-western England.
Some Notes on Etymology
The Odawa tribes of the Great Lakes were generally tolerant of the small refugee trio of English settlers, and referred to them as the “Three Ducks” because of their tattered yellow ponchos and wide-billed visors.
Curiously, the French-influenced English language of the Odawas employed a hard, back-throated guttural articulation of the letter ‘W,’ which made it sound phonetically closer to the letter ‘C.’
Hence, the Duke of Waddlac and his companions, eventually became the ‘Three Ducks of Cadillac.’
Or in the morphic linguistic creole of the region, “Duck-Troi” (Three Ducks).
Eventually this was abbreviated to D-Troi. And then in further English/French conflation, De-troit.
And finally, “Detroit.”
The Mystery
The story of the Three Ducks of Cadillac is so far certainly one of tragedy (the roasted egg soldiers), and one of unintended comedy (the unfortunate association of gallant nobility and military calculus with comical waterfowl).
However—it is indeed in that oscillation between comedy and tragedy that we experience genuine Mystery.
There are those who believe that the Duck did not leave Jerusalem empty-handed.
While his men roasted during the ghastly botched-Crusade egg-hunt, the Duck—who was lurking in the ruined Temple tunnels—actually FOUND THE CATACLYSMIC EGG OF CATASTROPHE—and brought it with him to the New World, and has hidden it in the city that now conceals his identity: “Detroit.”
The Ritual
What is History? What is Mystery? What is Meaning? They comingle like eggs, bacon, and toast. Each is Distinct. But together, all are Delicious.
Like the Holy Trinity.
Our RITUAL re-creates certain historical events in amusing pantomime:
- An Easter Egg Hunt, commemorating the tragi-comic & colorful sacrifice of brave Egg-Men.
- The Casting out of the Ducks from the Temple
- The treacherous cross-continental and trans-Atlantic journey of the Three
- Ducks (D-troi)
- The manifestation of THE HOLY TRINITY beneath the Mystic Shield of the Three Ducks
The Cataclysmic Egg of Catastrophe MAY or MAY NOT be an actual artifact. It may or may not actually BE GOD.
Honestly, who the fuck cares.
A ritual re-enactment of these events will offer deep insight into the Comedic Human Condition.
A mystical experience, might—just might—reveal the deep secrets of Cataclysmic Egg of Catastrophe to us all.
And by the way, if the Cataclysmic Egg of Catastrophe reveals itself to us, it must be sacrificed, scrambled, poached, or turned sunny-side up for the mystery to continue.
Otherwise, it’s just fuckin’ “God” & ultimate meaning.
Boring.